Charles P. Pierce
• Not a field of buttercups on his best day
• Appeared to have been raised in a terrarium.
• Lycanthropic accountants
• Zombie-eyed granny starver Paul Ryan.
• Making the language dance the hootchie-koo
• Makes me want to remove my eyeballs with fondue forks
• Tura-lura-lura, beeyotches
• Came off sounding like one of those farmers who see a UFO late one night in Oklahoma
• Triviality, entertainment, monkey-dancing, and nonsense
• Dissolved into raspberry Jell-O
• What lullabies would have sounded like had Brahms composed them on a washboard.
• Enormously sincere pinky-swearing
• Rubes in the root cellar with their shortwaves and canned food
• Congresscritters
• Fox News – Romper Room for angry shut-ins
• Nasty liberal Democrat cooties that are floating around the facility
• Look like tiny poltroons in search of tiny rocks under which they could hide
• Credit-card rules written in tiny Tagalog on the back of their monthly bills
• Found a banjo Mass he could love
• Enough obvious sexual frustration to illuminate the Sinai
• What’s a little doctrine, when there’s unprincipled pandering to be done?
• She’s the Scheherazade of the 2-for-1 Happy Hour
• His career-long search for the very essence of uselessness
• A Kabuki theater in whiteface drag
• Some freakish and legalistic Scandinavia of the mind
• History was thereby turned on its head until its brains fell out its ears
• Basilica Of Our Lady Of The Clean Getaway
• Forelocks are tugged until they reach well past the kneecaps
• Sweating from their teeth
• He has four ideas, and five of them are terrible
• The goggle-eyed homunculus
• Never met a big idea he wouldn’t cover with barbecue sauce and try to eat
• Those folks who put the “jerk” in “jerk-off”
• It makes you wonder on which side he parts the hair on his palms.
• Constitutional mumbledy-peg
• American crackpottery
• The political izonkosphere
• Conservative flopsweat
• The marvelously peanutty cluster of fk
• Saying something that only pigeons truly understood
• Sublet a senator
• Hunks of iron-reinforced man-flesh
• Shurrup, ya pack o’ bastids!
• Beelzebub on Line Four
• Intertoobz
• The rest of the speech was an aria of elaborate dick-waving
• The worst patrician foof in the history of watercress
• They are going to continue to slake their thirst with salt water
• The biggest cashew in the nut dish
• Their mortgages turned out to written in Klingon
• Doughpops
• Fresh from her morning formaldehyde bath
• Shouty lady who feeds the pigeons in the park
• The proposed new TruTv reality show, Withered Husks Of Humanity
• As loose a cannon as ever has rolled across our deck
• The most embarrassing bit of TV since the Star Wars Christmas Special
• Who do you like in the Apocalypse Stakes? I’ve got Pestilence at 4-1
• Breitbart’s Mausoleum For Unemployable Pissants
• The Magical Breitbartian Journalism Penis Extender
• Political historian Professor Otto Yerass
• Smarter than the average Breitbart employee, many of whom have to be watered on a regular basis
• A wilderness of dreamy nonsense, wishful thinking, and an asterisk the size of Lake Huron
• Second mate aboard the good ship Malaprop
• The nervous hospital that is the Wall Street Journal’s editorial page
• Rotating [in the grave] at 78 R.P.M.
• Eight years of C-Plus Augustus [Dubya]
• Tewwible, awful betwayal
• He went meeping back to his happy place.
• Jeebus-sodden whackadoo
• Full-service hackery
• Gave a frog’s dong about …
• when he was bull-goosing the 2002 Winter Olympics
• Drug-fueled orgies with underage postulant nuns
• He really went balls-deep on this one
• A series of gaffes and missteps, a positive gavotte of dick-stepping
• He would have been hanging from the Sacred Cod by the middle of 2005
• Responded in fluent Weaselspeak….
• I may cough up a lung here
• One dependent clause away from being Art Bell.
• Jesus H. Christ bareassed in a cow-pond
• The peanuttiest, creamiest cluster of fk in the land of gobshitery
• Let a whole bunch of felines escape the burlap
• That crazy Russian roundheels who wrote with a paint roller [Ayn Rand]
• He arranged to make himself into a synonym for the rest of his life
• Which it only likes to talk about with the voices in its head
• The cast makes the animatronic presidents at Disney look like the Soul Train dancers.
• As fake as blue money
• That should have hit your G-spot with the force of 10,000 vibrators
• It’s a wonder his tongue didn’t catch on fire simultaneously with his trousers.
• He appears overall to have been fashioned out of the finest polymers science can devise
• Retired busboys from the Council of Trent
• Taking juggling lessons from Edward Scissorhands
• If this road were any more golden, we’d have to give Tiffany’s the paving contract
• He’s climbed so far up his own ass that he could sneeze and break his collarbone
• Staggering, belching, bloviating Hibernian mucksavages
• Clucking away in his voice made of denim
• Makes me desperately want to go into the aluminum siding business in South Dakota
• Should not be trusted to spoon his own oatmeal
• The new science of freelance ratfking
• Seems to have banjaxed poor Karl here completely
• The Souphead Standard
• The tale of a blindfolded man crossing a yard full of rakes
• People who could be stuck up through the mail
• Spielberg on history makes my teeth itch
• People who fk without Ross Douthat’s permission
• A teenage sex-panic victim with D’Artagnan starter-kit facial hair
• Doesn’t have the courage of your average cracker
• Couldn’t lead a whore to bed
• Would screw up a two-car funeral if you spotted her the hearse.
• The Fiorina Concertina Of Fail
• Glory be, where does he buy his mushrooms?
• Did he leave his coherence in his other suit?
• What in the name of John Maynard Keynes’s left nut is this man talking about?
• A penis in a necktie
• How does this guy use that phrase without his tongue turning to flame?
• To the monomaniacal zygote fetishist, everything looks like a baby grinder
• A guy who’d outsource my colon if he thought he could turn a buck on it
• This particular bag of rancid marsupials
• An immediate takeout order from Wanda’s House Of Tar And Feathers
• Some crazoid woodchuck state rep from Skowhegan in a flannel shirt
• Like asking a dead deer by the side of the highway for a traffic report
• Would have taxed the gag reflex of a wildebeest
• It is in no sense a “plan” any more than is the average food riot
• Christians, my ass. They’d have been signing up for luxury suites on Golgotha.
• A Reynolds Wrap chapeau
• Ross Cardinal Douthat, Patriarch Of Dweebopolis and Archbishop Of Dorkylvania
• You can turn an ankle in that final sentence
• Doesn’t know what in the garlanded hell he’s talking about
• Obviously doomed ball of fail
• Wake Up Beltway Dipwads
• Bunch of sheet-sniffing peckerwoods
• So go bite me, you authoritarian toad.
• Jesus H. Christ on a weekend Emperor’s Package at Caesar’s
• As not yet been sent back to work the Notions counter at the five-and-dime in Mukwonago
• While a few thousand people hit cops in the pepper spray with their eyes
• It’s like playing tennis with oatmeal
• Has all the public-health cred of the average botulism bacillus
• A cult of the Kabbalah of Stupid
• Sparkle Pants
• Where they’re selling postcards of the hanging and painting the passports brown
• The Heritage Foundation, which is an intellectual whorehouse with 500 piano players
• Ford Pinto of a bandwagon
• King of the dipwads
• He couldn’t get the votes to pass a truly horrid plutocrat’s wet dream
• Walking parody
• His What’s-Bothering-The-Peckerwoods Tour Of The Americas
